I miss the part when we were moving forward.

I want to go out. Like, get all dressed up and go to dinner or something. I don't know why I'm having these urges. Maybe its me maturing?

Also, I want red hair. Like, really bright, crazy, funky red-orange hair.

Oh I wish...

I hate the word no. I hate asking for things. I hate being let down. I hate being questioned. I hate having to explain myself.

All I asked was to go to a museum. “Why do you want to go to a museum all of a sudden? Who are you going with? Why them?”

I want to take pictures. I want to express myself. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be left alone. I want to dance.

I still haven’t gotten any of my things back. Its been over three months.

I wish people would pay attention. I wish things didn’t piss me off. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive. Yeah, sensitive. I wish I wasn’t so restricted.

Approximately 700 days to go, and then I can be free.

Its not too late for New Years resolutions...is it? I've never made any before, but I think its time for a serious change in my life.

This year I will...

Lose weight. I used to be a size 16 & now I'm a 12. My aim is a size 8. I can squeeze into a 10 now, so I'm close!

Stop eating bad things. I love love love junk food. I don't know why, but I do. Recently though, I've been preferring fruit over the bad stuff, so this is a good thing. It'll also make losing weight an easier thing. I think one indulgence a week is reasonable.

Be more responsible. I seriously lose & forget about everything. I depend on my mom way too much. I know that I'm 16 & that's what I'm supposed to do but next year I'll be going to college & I have to do things for myself.

Gtfo the internet. Seriously, I spend way too much time here. Its ridiculous. But I've made some really good friends & I just can't leave yet.

Finish the majority of my High School credits. Next year, I really don't want to work hard, so its best to do it now.

Attain a 3.6 average. And keep it. The last time I checked, I had a 3.0, so I'm getting there. Most, if not all, of the universities in California want students who have that average, so if I want any chance of getting in, that's what I need.

Go to more shows. Because they're fun & I like taking crowd photos. I need more fun in my life.

Be less shy & paranoid. Any tips on how to achieve this would be greatly appreciated.

I think that's pretty much it. I'm making another list. Hopefully it won't take me another 2 weeks to post it. :)

So there's not even 12 hours left in 2008 and I haven't done one of these things yet. So I figure, why not now.2008 was a pretty good year for me, but there were also some bad spots.

-I sprained my ankle playing volleyball (3rd year in a row).
+ I turned 16!
+ I went to Warped and saw many of my favorite bands. Some more than once.
+ I found out I can draw
+ I got a camera
- I then lost said camera
+ But hurrah! I got another one!
+/- Fell in ~love~
+ Met really great people thanks to Buzznet & MySpace (Lynn, Stephanie, Edda, Pam, Amanda, Rea,etc)

I'm hoping that 2008 will be more eventful. This year was boring, kind of. There will be more lists coming soon. Stay tuned & Happy New Years Eve!

    My mother, who isn't really a lesbian, decided to play a joke on my grandmother to see how she would react to it. She didn't tell me she was going to do it, she just started talking and I went along with it. How were we supposed to know that she'd flip the fuck out? It went something like this:

Mother- "Mom, I have something to tell you."
Grandmother- "What?"
I'm a lesbian.
OH MY GOD. WHAT?
I'm a lesbian, I've been one for a while now.
I ALWAYS KNEW IT. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOODNESS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
But you just said you always knew it.
You're telling me this in front of your daughter?!
She knows already.
YOU KNEW?
Me- Yeah, I've known for a while now.
Oh my God. That is so disgusting.
What's so digusting about it?
Its just not right.
But I love them.
THEM?
Yeah, I have two girlfriends, they don't know about eachother though.
OH MY GOD. OH MY GOODNESS. THAT'S JUST SICK.
So you don't love me anymore?
No. You're not even my daughter anymore.
I still love you, mommy.
Aw, I love you, too.
What are you gonna do, turn her into a lesbian, too?
If she was one, I would still love her the same.

    All of this went on while they were watching a marathon House. Maybe an hour later my mother told her she was lying. My grandmother went on to say that it was "a bad joke" and "you shouldn't play like that". I was sitting there the whole time just fuming but I didn't say anything else. Since when was loving someone a bad thing? I don't understand people sometimes, especially not my grandmother. She's voting for Sarah Palin. I've always known we were never related.

    Anyway, I hope this doesn't scare any gay or bisexual people wanting to come out to their parents. Sure, they're your parents and you want them to accept you, but if they don't then oh well. They should love you for you, and their love shouldn't depend on your sexual orientation, or your career, or anything like that. It should be you and you only.

    

I hate it when people use the word "gay" as something negative. It's even worse when people discriminate against others because of their sexual preference. Case in point: Today in class my teacher was saying how President Bill Clinton passed a bill that allows homosexuals to be in the military. This made the rest of my classmates simultaneously grumble. The majority of them are homophobic and/or hates gay individuals- teacher included.

She went on to say "I wish he never would've done that".  But tried to cover it up by saying, "I don't hate the person, I hate the spirit that they have", which is basically the same thing. Her brother, who wants to be in the military, chimed in and said "If I ever found out that one of the other soldiers was gay, I'd get my gun and shoot them, especially if they liked me." I’m so surprised that I didn’t curse him out. I have homosexual friends and I have bisexual friends, so I was extremely offended. Even if I didn’t have them as friends, I’d still be offended. I’m so surprised that I stayed quiet during that whole thing seeing as I was fuming on the inside.

I just don’t understand how you can hate someone because their sexuality. It’s so stupid and mean. They have an issue with anything that’s different. If you’re not like them, then you’re just not good enough. Aren’t Christians supposed to accept everyone, no matter what gender, race, sexual preference, etc? Aren’t Christians supposed to love everyone? Aren’t they not supposed to hate? Their reactions make no sense to me. It’s like, as soon as you mention the word “gay” all hell breaks loose.

I wonder what they'd do if they knew I kissed girls. Yes, plural.

Bleh, my writing sucks.  I haven't written anything in so long. Every time I try, I get chronic writers block, its insane. Anyway...how is everyone? =)

    Okay, you know how it goes. I put my iPod on shuffle and here are the first lines of the first 20 songs played. Lets see how many you can figure out:

1. I could walk this fine line between elation and success.
2. The only thing that keeps me up when I'm feeling down.
3. This town has its claws buried in my neck.
4. Hands down, I'm too proud for love, but with eyes shut, it's you I'm thinking of.
5. We watched the sunset and we told ourselves to never forget just how good it felt to be surrounded by a town we knew like the back of our hands.
6. Some live for the bill, some kill for the bill.
7.  Landing on a runway in Chicago and I'm grounding all my dreams.
8. I want blood from you.
9. Dear mother, can you hear me whining?
10. I see a frightened little girl too scared of having another man run out on her.
11. I'm bringing sassy back.
12. For you, I was a flame.
13. And I am war after ten years of fighting.
14. Look like a lush, talk like a tease.
15. I live by the sun and I'ma die by the sun.
16. How you doin', young lady?
17.Oh my God, this hurts like hell.
18. The morning sun's about to break
19. Rain falls, quickly wetting my hair and clothes
20. Do you know who I am?

Some of them are easy. I hope this is hard for someone lol. Okay, GO!

Favorite songs (in this order):
Live A Little
Kissin' Ears
Peace Sign/Index Down

    So yesterday was open house for my school, right. My mom couldn't go because she has school on Thursdays so she asked my dad to go with me. He has a lot of hair, that's where I get mine from, & sometimes (most of the time) he doesn't like to do it, so in an effort to not embarass me, he asked me to braid his hair for him. While I was braiding it we were talking & this is how the conversation went.

Me: I don't even want to go to open house.
My dad: You?
-laughter- We could always just not go. My friend said that we had to wear our uniforms or else we'd be told to turn back around.
Well, you could just not wear it.
That's exactly what I was thinking!
And plus the game is on tonight.
Yeah, I know. I thought I missed it last week or something.
Nope, it comes on at 8. (Open house started at 7:30)

    So then we left, so we could be at the church early. There I was, in my MCR t-shirt, black & white nails & jeans, when I saw my administrator. He pretty much ignored us. So ANYWAY...when we got inside Sis.Karen told me that I didn't have to wear my uniform, so that idea was pretty much dead. I then moved on to plan B. Since Sis.Karen was standing really close, we couldn't talk to each other, so I sent him a text.

We could always lie. Lying never really hurt anyone...that much.
Yeah, but we're in a church.

That didn't stop us.

Excuse me, Sis.Karen? We're gonna go get some pizza really quickly before it starts.

    When we were far enough from the church we exchanged high fives. That was probably the coolest thing my dad has ever done.

P.S.- GIANTS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 16-7 :D

    Its like every time I try to do something, I always fail. Every time I want something I get so close to having it, then it disapears. When things are going right, I somehow fuck them up. I think I just have the worst luck ever. Things never ever go the way I envision them.
    I always hope for the best, I tell people 'everything's gonna be okay', but I can't even believe myself anymore. I start school next Tuesday. Yes, that same blasted school that I hate. I was so close to getting out, but here I am, enrolling for another year. Things were going great with my mother...until I lost my camera. She found out this morning when she asked me for it and I replied with "I don't know where it is". She was furious, to say the least. She told me to never ask her for anything ever again. I know that she probably doesn't mean that, but still, I can't stand to have her so upset & disapponted with me. She didn't even say goodbye when she left. And then about an hour ago I found out that the Cobra Starship show at the Nokia Theatre is sold out. That was basically the icing on the cake.
    I don't think I can take any more disappointment. I feel like crawling up into a ball & just letting the misery take me. Either that, or jumping off of the Brooklyn bridge. I won't, but that's what I feel like doing. Instead, I'm sitting here listening to my depressed/give-me-hope playlist. The playlist includes:
Boulevard of Broken Dreams- Green Day
Perfect- Simple Plan
Keep Holding On- Avril Lavigne
Come Close- Saosin
Meant to Live- Switchfoot
Welcome to My Life- Simple Plan
You're Not Alone- Saosin
Under the Bright Lights- Empires (This song makes me a little bit happier every time I listen to it.)

    Maybe I need a vacation of some sort. I want to move somewhere, get  fresh start, you know? Eh, I guess I'll just have to wait until I'm 18.

This is why we should all wear seatbelts at all times. On Cobra Starship's first day in New Zealand, some of the members got into a  car accident. Vicky-T posted a myspace bulletin with all of the details:

so what happened my first day in New Zealand? well, I had a sweet day of sight seeing, took a nap, got up and dressed to go out. Was super excited to go out as I've been sick with a cold the past few days and stayed in. My good friend Aaron is in town which is fantastic. Gabe, Suarez, Aaron, our friend Sue and I get into a car. Just before we take off, I realized I couldn't wear a seatbelt. I ALWAYS wear a seatbelt and make everyone wear theirs as well.


I said to everyone "well if we get in a car accident. I love all of you." sure enough, what happens? we get in an accident and I get injured. Gabe went flying into the seat in front of him and hit his chest, I flew forward and was holding onto a handle inside the car and fucked up my arm and shoulder as a result. Luckily everyone is okay, sadly my arm is not. I couldn't move my arm at first but then eventually could after it clicked a few times.


An ambulance pulls up and out pops some paramedics and a camera crew. Some kind of reality tv show was in the ambulance and has been documenting different accidents. crazy.
So of course we dropped cobras and told the story of our accident!

I then had to go in an ambulance with my friend Aaron. There was a guy in the car with bad head injuries. It was sad. We had a dialogue about our accidents and I told him I knew he was going to end up alright. He smiled and thanked me.



Finally get to the hospital. Waited around for 5 hours. Got X-rays eventually. Ends up my shoulder is very badly sprained. I can't move it without coming to tears. It feels like every time I move it that it is dislocating - sucks. As I go to leave the guy with the head injuries is leaving as well. I smiled and said, "glad you're alright." he responded with, "glad you are too.
"

I was given a bunch of pain killers at the hospital. Returned to the hotel where TAI, Panic at the Disco and my boys all came back to meet me. They all greeted me, we had drinks, I then ate some breakfast and passed out around 7am.



I am on a couple pain killers at the moment and feeling loopy so hopefully my story telling is coherent. We just played a show. I had to play part of it in an arm sling. I was really out of it the whole time because of the pills I had to take for the pain.

I'm gonna go lay down. My arm is killing me.

Ooh, the irony.

Well, well, well. Where do I start? I’ve been waiting for this album to be released for months, so when the day came I was super excited. It took my mother forever to bring it to me. I finally had the CD and then…my laptop wouldn’t play it. HUH? Rewind. I had to restart it in order for it to play. Bleh. Anyways…on to the review:

When the CD finally started to play, the first thing I heard was a guitar note and William proclaiming: “I’m nooooot iiiiiiinnnnnnnnnn looooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeee.” And then BAM! the song kicks off. From the beginning, you can tell that this album is way different from their sophomore album Santi and even their first album Almost Here. There’s nothing to compare this album’s sound to, though it does give me a vision of a movie. I now understand why this album and their fall tour, “Bill & Trav’s Bogus Journey”, is 80’s movie themed: That’s exactly what it sounds like- a movie soundtrack. This isn’t exactly a bad thing, not a bad thing at all. It makes things relatable, understandable, and most of all, catchy. “Rumored Nights” especially makes me think of Twilight. To be honest, I think it should be the theme song of the movie. Read the lyrics, you’ll see where I’m coming from.

Call me crazy, which you probably (most likely) will, but on this album, the change in William’s voice reminds me of Billy Corgan’s. Not exactly the tone, but in the way he’s singing. The growth in musicianship is apparent. This album feels happier, like they’re in a much better place than when Santi and Almost Here were written. William even gets a little sexy on “After the Last Midtown Show” and “Beware! Cougar!”.

The intro to “Crowded Room” actually does remind me of the intro to Avril Lavigne’s “The Best Damn Thing”. *waits for the flying bullets* This is actually one of my favorite songs on Fast Times, not because of the intro, but because of the energy of the song.

After only a day of official release and a few days of the songs being on the band’s MySpace page, there seems to be a mixed response going around on the interwebz. Fans (and I use that word loosely) are throwing around words like “boring” and “generic”, but I think this is a really solid and lovable album. It gives me a tingly feeling when I hear it. I can really relate to this one.

Like it? Love it? Hate it? Tell me your opinion, and give it to me raw.

My favorite songs (in this order):
Rumored Nights
Crowded Room
About a Girl

Pam tagged mee. So I shall obey & do the survey. (Hey, that rhymes!) Okay, let the fun begin!

Uno. How are you at the moment?
Pretty darn great.

Dos. Why?
I'm laying in my bed & listening to The Audition. 'Nuff said.

Tres. Give me 5 bestest persons at buzz.
imradyo, lettyjade, thesusieq, lovevoyage, unfamiluar

Cuatro. Do you like yourself?
If I don't, no one else will.

Cinco. What do you like to do in your free time?
Go on Buzznet. Sad, I know.

Seis. Do you think you're able to do everything you'd like to [right now, from that place, are you confident enough //not in future]?
I don't understand the question?

Siete. Do you think fighting makes any sense?
Sometimes.

Ocho. Was last question clever?
NO.

Nueve. Which places would you like to visit?
London, California, Chicago, everywhere in the world, really. But not Africa. D:

Diez. Honestly, give me one person from buzz, who made you feel special, like their friend?
I can't really think of one person. Everyone's always nice & has good things to say to me (so far). Amanda (TheSusieQ) gives GREAT advice.

Once. What's your mobile phone?
Sidekick iD. It has a blue case with a Paramore sticker on the back.

Dose. Would you like to have (new) one?
A.S.A.P.

Trece. Do you like to smile?
No, it makes my face hurt.

Catorce. Write poems?
Not since age 12.

Quience. Eat?
I eat when I'm hungry.

Diez y seis. English?
Obviously.

Diez y siete. French?
Negative.

Diez y ocho. Slovene?
Who?

Diez y nueve Polish?
Nope.

Viente. Sports?
Volleyball & track, babay.

Viente y uno. Internet?
24/8. Okay, maybe not that much.

Viente y dos. Do you think life gets better or worse day by day?
Eh, it's kind of 50/50 at this point.

Viente y tres. Are you nervous or calm person?
Just call me Nervous Nelly.

Viente y cuatro. Is there any message you'd like to tell the world?
Hay, world, hay.

Viente y cinco. What's your favourite line in the song?

There's a lot of lyrics I like:

"You've got everything going for you so I'll go for you with everything I got."

"One more night, and we'll go spinnig around the room and dance with our hearts on fire 'cause every song is ours tonight." <--Probably butchered those. There are others, but I can't think at the moment.

Viente y seis. The cutest thing you've ever heard?

No one ever says cute things to me. D:

Viente y siete. Do you love your parents?
I guess.

Viente y ocho. What would you do if tomorrow is the last day of your life?
Say goodbye to everyone & then go to church  & ask God to forgive me for all my sins.

 Viente y nueve. Do you often think about death?
Uh, not really.

Treinta. Is this the last question?
I hope so.

I tag: snowjobxblowjob, jesslovespanic, xshirleyx, & anyone else who wants to do this. The others have no choice. >:D

   Today is my birthday! Yay! It was kind of like every other day, but today I just felt more special. I was actually dreading today because I didn't think it would be all that great.
   
    This morning, when I woke up, I found a black case on the pillow next to my head. When I opened it I realized that it was a camera! No, not from my uncles who were supposed to buy me one since Christmas, but from my mother. It’s a Sony Cyber-shot, its silver, and its like, the best thing ever! She even left me a video saying how much she loves me and wants me to have a good day on my birthday. Aww.

    When I arrived at work, I work at a camp, my whole group of 6 & 7 girls sang happy birthday to me. It was the cutest thing ever. I wasn't even expecting it (even though I had been telling them when my birthday was since the beginning of camp). The lead counselor was nice enough to not send me to do too many things today. I'm sure I'll be back to hard work tomorrow. Oh, look at the little devils:

    

You can't see, but they have this cool diamond looking thing in the front. Anyway, I'll be celebrating until tomorrow at 7:30. We have this thing in my family where we say it isn't your real birthday until after the time you were born. Kind of weird, but cool at the same time because get to celebrate for two days! Woohoo! :D

Last night was the Twilight till Dawn party at most of the Borders/Walenbooks stores in America. The one I went to was held at Green Acres mall in Valley Stream. When we got there the party had already started. We had to pick a team to be on, and of course I chose the Cullens. They were in the middle of a trivia round, so while I wasn't answering questions, I took time to look at everyone around me. There were about 50 girls and 3 boys. The amount of people there shocked me because I didn't even think that that many people knew about the parties. I also wasn't expecting to see boys there. We got these super cool buttons for being there, too!:

 

We had some debates, more trivia, and some people won some cool prizes, also-t-shirts, posters, stickers, etc. There were a few people who made shirts. My favorite had to be the one that said "I am Switzerland". I've always picked Switzerland, although I'm kind of leaning towards being a hardcore Cullen. There was another girl whose shirt was really cool, too. It said "Dawn is Breaking". She said she made it at Zazzle.com. I met this girl that had on a Cobra Starship shirt and an Academy Is... bag and made a complete idiot of myself by screaming "OMG COBRA STARSHIP! THE ACADEMY IS...!" Yeah...

At around 11:50 everyone got on line to wait for 12:01 to hit. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1....Breaking Dawn is on sale!! I bought my copy at 12:17 and immediately started reading the inside flaps and the back of the book. I'm sad that this is the last (?) book in the series. I haven't finished reading yet, so I'm gonna go do that now.

Chin chin.

Well, yesterday was my first Warped Tour ever. It was so much fun! I woke up around seven to get dressed, do my hair and such. I left at 9:30 to go get money and a bookbag from my father, and on the way there, I got invited to some 40 year old guy’s house. Creepy. We wound up leaving my friend Ashley's house at 10:45 and arrived at the venue at 11:30. We missed some of Mayday Parade because they were the first band playing, but I wasn't too upset. Mayday Parade had the calmest crowd of the day- not too much crowd surfing or pushing.

The next band I saw was The Academy Is.... This was my first time so I was super excited. They did not disappoint. I didn't even know you could most to TAI until I saw the pit forming. It was pretty funny to me. I was pretty excited because William looked at me a few times. How fan girl of me.

After TAI we had a while until the next set so we did some Buzzmobbing and shopping to kill the time. While at The Audition's tent we saw Danny and talked about Buzznet and Bree.

When Gym Class Heroes came on, Travie put on a Mets hat and pretty much the whole crowd (including me) booed him. He basically told us to shut up because he doesn't even like sports, he just really likes hats. I wound up losing the batteries for my camera and an earring at their set. It was a total bummer because I couldn't finish the Scavenger Hunt even though I saw basically everything on the list. There was even a mosh pit there. Actually, now that I think about it, there was a mosh pit at every band we saw. Yes, even at Forever the Sickest Kids and We the Kings.

Speaking of FTSK, they have the nicest merch guy I've ever met. We initially went to get the free bracelets but then we found out that you had to buy the CD in order to get them. Nobody else wanted the CD so I bought it and he gave the rest of my friends bracelets, too! Nice, right? I forgot to get his name though. And another nice merch guy is Ziggy. I finally found out what his tattoo says: it’s Japanese for "No Problems". Sweet.

The last band that we saw was Say Anything. I love those guys. They had the most crowd surfers and after a while, I just started to let them fall because they were hurting my head. I know its mean but I was protecting myself.

We stayed there until 9 but we didn't meet anyone else. We did see this guy that looked exactly like Kyle Burns from FTSK though. The worst part of the day was having mustard thrown on me and missing Cobra Starship. The best part was being so close to most of my favorite bands. I can't wait to do it all over again next year!

 

I never dream. Ever. But this week they started to become frequent.

Last night I dreamt that I was at Warped Tour and it was around 2 o'clock and we were waiting for Gym Class Heroes to come on. So we decided to just go watch some other band play until they came on. When their set was over we wound up leaving. I reached home and realized that we completely forgot to see GCH. I started replaying it in my mind and realized that I had looked behind me and they were actually playing at the same time! Can you believe that? Seriously, I was so scared and disappointed, even in my dream.

And then I had this other dream that my mother took me to see The Cab and while I was sitting in the car I saw Alex D. So I was like, "Hey, Alex." And after that he would not stop talking. He talked about everything. He even told my mother that he thought she was pretty. When I woke up I laughed so hard.

Anywho...Sisky (my iPod) has magically revived himself. I guess he realized that he was really going to be put to rest, (i.e. being taken back to the Apple store and traded) and decided to stop playing games and work. I win.

My Warped date is on Saturday (which probably explains the nightmare). I'm freaking out. I don't know what to wear or how to do my hair, what to bring, what not to bring, etc. So if anybody could help me I would be so very very grateful. =)

"Everyone's a let down; it just depends on how far down they can go."

    So here I am, disappointed, once again. I don't know why I always hope for more than what could ever be possible. My brain can go screw itself.
    My uncles were supposed to buy me a camera for Christmas. Its seven months later and I still haven't seen it. One of them came today to get my sister because she's staying there for the weekend, and the other brought my grandmother here for some reason. This means that both of them are in my house right now. I called one of them, Jerome, earlier because I would be free tomorrow and we can go get it then. But no, of course we can't, because he's taking my sister and my little cousin to the Bronx Zoo. Now my other uncle, Victor, just said that he won't have money until the day after my birthday. I told both of them that I'd need it by next weekend because I'm going to Warped, and last week they said they'd give it to me before then. Do you see the problem here or am I just being a selfish little brat?
    Inside, I think I'm still a child. Whenever somebody tells me that they're going to do something, I always believe them, especially my family. But it seems that the only person I can count on to do something for me is my mother. She's never let me down or given me false hope. I think she knows how soft I am on the inside, even when I try to act like nothing is bothering me. I try to stop believing in the people around me but it never works. I always fall right back into the same spot I was in before. It’s incredibly frustrating.
    They must see how much they're letting me down. Nobody ever says anything though. I feel like telling them to just forget it but in my mind I'm thinking "well there's seven days left so maybe they could somehow get it before then". I'm trying really hard to be optimistic but it’s so hard when there's such a slim chance of what I want to happen actually happening. Things like this make me view the world and people in such a different light. This is exactly the reason why I'm not willing to ever throw myself out there for someone else, why I'm scared to have a boyfriend, or even make a new friend. It hurts so much when something you really, truly thought was going to happen, doesn't happen at all.

In essence, what I'm trying to say is: Fuck this.